Jingle. Jingle. Jangle. Keys smack on each other. Yet, they’re not due to walking, or someone struggling to find the correct key to quickly open a door in the coldness of what is the Wisconsin Tundra.
No, this is something different.
The Pocket Games. (insert dun dunnnn dun… sound effect)
Started at the advent of space and time, the Pocket Games are known to many! Throw some change in your pocket and insert your hand in to fondle the coins while you’re talking to a co-worker, bored at your desk, or waiting for a Windows Update set to finish!
Annoy everybody! Be a smug asshole!
Maybe it’s just me, but playing with change in your pocket reminds me of a joke that my parents used to make about cutting a hole in my pockets, so that I’d have something to play with. Seriously, they threatened this. Actually, to be honest, they probably did follow through with it. And, looking back at this memory, they probably did this so that I wouldn’t become an insufferable twat.
I was raised to not talk with my mouth full, not chew with my mouth open, no whistling or humming around other people. Maybe it was because these were things that drove my mom up the wall, but she instilled these values in me. I guess that I’ve added to the list. Why would anyone play pocket pool at work, in front of their boss or co-workers? Or around them? We know you’re passing the time, we know that you’re bored, we know you need something to do. Just don’t do those things. If you recall me mentioning that I’m less confrontational than an X-Wing should be against a Death Star, you’ll know that I won’t say a word about it.
And yet, every day, it never fails. Someone jangles their keys or change, while talking to me or around me. They shove food in their mouth and talk to me about whatever is important enough to warrant globs of pizza flying everywhere, they crunch on carrots all day, and never endingly (this should be a word) attempt to drive me insane.
So, without further adieu, here are the rules of the Pocket Games:
1. The Handlers – This team is for those that just play pocket pool.
2. The Janglers- This team is for those that play with change in their pockets all day.
3. The Masticaters – This team is for those that talk with their mouth full, or chew with their mouths open, or both.
4. The Judges – Yeah, creative, I know. This team judges.
The goal of the games is for teams 1-3 to battle to the death. The last person standing then becomes the chosen one to go to a rehabilitation / re-education center where they are forced to listen to Justin Bieber, teenage girls talking on their cell phones and singing along, and forced to learn some f-ing manners.
As I type this, I hear the sounds of change jingling, carrots being crunched, and wonder where manners have gone. This isn’t a symphony folks.
So next time you’re at, well, anywhere; be mindful of how you eat. If you have to talk mid chew, put a napkin, or your hand in front of your mouth. If you have change in your pocket, don’t play with it. And for the love of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, please don’t play pocket pool in front of me at work.