I have determined that I need to invest in a gas mask. No, not due to Russia’s shenanigans overseas, but due to that of my work environment. Now, some people may tell me that I’m over-reacting, or too sensitive. But I disagree. Plus, the new work attire I’ve chosen would make for a pretty spiffy after work dinner and drinks outfit.
Alright, so I’ll level with you, I don’t work in an environment that requires a gas mask by any law, OSHA rule, or for any reason. I work on computers by unpacking them, building them and setting up all the hardware/software, then packing them back up. Exciting, I know. Why would I need a gas mask?
Flatulence, as described by and politely stolen from Wikipedia, is defined in the medical literature as “flatus expelled through the anus” or the “quality or state of being flatulent”, which is defined in turn as “marked by or affected with gases generated in the intestine or stomach; likely to cause digestive flatulence.” The root of these words is from the Latin flatus – “a blowing, a breaking wind”.*
Heh. Seriously? I even learn crap writing this stuff.
It would appear that he-who-eats-onion-sandwhiches has a side effect, in which, yup you guessed it, is breaking wind. And this is far from a quick “prrt”, every single time it’s a trumpet blast, a horn honking. You can hear the damn thing across the room. Never just a “prrt.”
There’s nothing like taking a fiver and surfing the web, and hearing an explosion of that magnitude go off, five feet away from your desk. Add to the smell of Onions, and you have a very nasty cloud hanging around the room for minutes, or hours. I can understand, sometimes you just have to pass gas, and you can’t control it. On a regular basis however, with such powerful charges, I would think one would be able to feel the buildup; the pressure slowly climbing.
“Whoop! Should probably go to the can!” is what I would think feeling that. Apparently not.
Maybe he’s a retired Professional Farter, and yes, those exist according to Wikipedia:
Le Pétomane (“the Fartomaniac”) was a famous French performer in the 19th century who, as well as many professional farters before him, did flatulence impressions and held shows. The performer Mr. Methane carries on le Pétomane’s tradition today.
Apparently, the profession has a few names; “flatulist“, “farteur”, or “fartiste.” Somehow I think he-who-eats-onion-sandwhiches would fit right on in. Keep in mind this little piece of history, while you’re browsing the app market passing all of those fart apps:
Historical comment on the ability to fart at will is observed as early as Saint Augustine‘s The City of God (5th century AD). Augustine mentions men who “have such command of their bowels, that they can break wind continuously at will, so as to produce the effect of singing”.*
Yes, fart jokes go back to the 5th century, and people laughed at them then, and people laugh at them now. I’m just curious how many people had gas masks on.